I wish I could teleport
Don't make out with my wife yet
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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