So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
