Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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