my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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