No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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