it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
