do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
