she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
