Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
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