make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
