I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
