Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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