my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
