Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
