He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
