Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
