Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
