I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
