Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
me + whiskey = a bad person
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
