Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
