My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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