So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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