I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
