Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
