is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
try to milk me bitch
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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