phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
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