I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
