I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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