No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Girls should come with a carfax report
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
