Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
