I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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