I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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