Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
