every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
