A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just forgot I was standing up.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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