There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
