My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
