You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
