my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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