my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
