i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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