some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
