I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize