I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
