if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
