so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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