So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
