Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
