I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
