I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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