how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
