There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
