It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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