Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
