1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
