the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
