Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
