dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Come on in and take your pants off
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