I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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